I don’t usually do this type of thing, but I have just been so lonely, lately.When it comes to online dating, I become ambivalent. It took so much for me to garner up the nerve to post my profile:
Good looking (if you couldn’t tell from the picture)
Likes Mexican food and romantic walks on the beach
I was so overjoyed, when I saw that you had requested to meet me! You must have sorted through all these profiles, with the acuity of a wolf… somehow, that’s a compliment. Anyway, I saw your picture and I can’t delineate how beautiful you are. It’s almost as if you are a figment of my dreams. I can’t wait to meet you tomorrow at Starbucks! The one on Maple St. not the others, right?
Starbucks: It is ubiquitous! Oh yeah, there is one something I have to tell you … um … my name isn’t actually Pat. I’m Freddy. I’m not really 27, but I was hoping that you wouldn’t mind, if you started to like me. Also, I feel a deep weight of ignominy for keeping that much from you, but there’s more. Speaking of weight, I am 475 pounds. This is because of all the Mexican food. I love it very much. By “very much”, I’m trying to express the reason why I haven’t gotten off my couch in two years. I have not had the time or the capability to get up or shower. Oh yes, I guess this is a decent time to mention that I haven’t taken romantic walks on the beach. I said that so you would find me interesting. That must have worked, because you chose my profile. I hope this won’t keep you from meeting me tomorrow. That would really be unfortunate, considering how much money I am paying to have a mechanical crane levitate me out of my house.
[Reply, from Christa]
It’s funny how you should mention that, because I think I live across the street from you. Our windows face each other. Hmm, I can see you now. I, too, have been couch bound for years. I would usually have Mexican food delivered to my house. I imagine walks on the beach would be romantic. Look out your window!
[Reply, from Freddy]
You know what? Let’s not meet at Starbucks, tomorrow. I am growing quite fond of our window romance already.