BLOG: Better Candidates than Donald Trump

KATIE PICKRELL

Donald Trump, surprisingly, has been the most popular candidate of the Republican party since announcing his presidential bid back in June. I don’t understand why anyone would like this guy, so I’m proposing a list of candidates I believe everyone should consider before allowing him to face any more success.

A mosquito

The main reason I chose mosquitos as the prime candidate to kick off the list is simple: they can’t talk. mosquitoOther than that, mosquitoes and Trump actually share a lot of similarities. Where Trump wants to forcibly remove 11 million people and send them back out of viable living conditions, mosquitos kill millions by carrying diseases. Still, despite the fact that they’re both blood sucking jerks, mosquitoes actually serve a reasonable purpose– which is another reason they rank above Trump. As Trump sits atop the food chain without helping anyone but himself, mosquitos are a necessary component of the biosphere and serve purpose to provide for other consumers.

guy fieriGuy Fieri

One of Trump’s most notable features is his hair, and understandably so. What I don’t understand is how People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals haven’t jumped on Trump for wearing a different squirrel over his naturally bald head everyday. Putting himself above Trump, Guy Fieri rocks his hair the almost all natural way. He’s got just about the same enthusiasm as Trump as well, only in a nicer demeanor.

Kanye

kanyeThe similarities between Kanye and Trump end at the fact that neither of them are politicians, but both intend to pursue political careers. Kanye, in contrast to Trump, wants to attack social issues head on, not perpetuate them. In his music, Kanye has often
call for an end to injustices regarding race and gun violence and urged reform for drug and weapon policies. Trump, on the other hand, doesn’t have any ideas to necessarily help these issues– if anything, he wants to make them worse.

chilis guyThe Chili’s guy

I know Trump has said he thinks of himself as a nice guy, but I don’t. The greeter at Chili’s, though– now that’s a nice guy. He doesn’t look at you as man or woman or black or white, he looks at you as a valued customer. That’s the kind of institution we need, the kind that puts the people ahead of the leader.

To be honest, I’d settle for Applebee’s or Olive Garden, too (maybe even the mouse at Chuck E Cheese).

A magic 8 ball

Trump is pretty good at making decisions, so much so that 8 ballhe’s already begun to make some. For example, every time he opens his mouth, I think he has made a bad decision. That leaves his bad to good ratio pretty high. To fix this predicament, I would propose allowing a magic 8 ball to make some decisions. There are 20 answers inside a icosahedron 8 ball, so the odds of making a terrible decision are much lower. To put it in perspective, if we asked “Should we deport all immigrants?” Trump would say “Yes, within the next two years,” but an 8 ball could say “Outlook not so good.” An answer such as this would also suggest the magic 8 ball maintains the ability to look towards the future and consider reparations before making a solidified decision.

Crickets

Both make noise, but in all honesty, I enjoy the noise crickets make. On top of that, they’re often considered symbols of good luck and prosperity. In Native American culture, a cricket’s ability to jump is equated to the power to leap over a difficult situation. So, maybe, the figurehead we need (considering I refuse to appreciate Trump as a genuine presidential level politician) is really just a group of crickets. America has a lot of problems to address, and the attitude we need to maintain is one of jumping over the bridge of failure and building ourselves back up.

Me

meI might only be 17, but I’m pretty confident that I would destroy Trump as far as political success is concerned. We may have to amend the constitution to allow for my presidential bid as I am about half of the legal running age, but it would definitely be worth it. Under my leadership, I wouldn’t make my first priority completely annihilating corporate taxes, jeopardizing relations with middle eastern countries or repealing comprehensive health care. That aside, I’m also not a racist bigot and my locks are real.

feetJust my left foot

Even taking my mind away from everything, I’m pretty positive that my left foot would make a better candidate for president of the United States than Trump would. While Trump’s feet, as he’s made it clear, are for stomping around and taking control, mine are for walking with people and working through situations step by step and with ease.

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